Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Don't Assume Anything

What I learned today is that not every breast produces milk.

Sorry, Daddy.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

You Never Know Where Life Will Lead You

What I learned today was that you never know where life will lead you once you get out of the house. Gram took me to downtown San Rafael today for a little urban hike and shopping. We wound up at this store called Liquid Marin, where they sell brand name stuff for cheap.

And, completely by random, we ran right into Auntie Nessa.

Why is this big news?

It's just nice to be surprised by one of your favorite people in a random place at an unexpected time. It colors your day nicely. It adds a turn you didn't foresee but glad you took.

And it's all because we left the house and she left the house and luck and destiny intertwined in an aisle.

How cool is that?

Way cool.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Never Question Magic

What I learned today is that you can't question magic. We've had our Elf On The Shelf out for a couple of days now, and I've been studying him. He doesn't move. We can't touch him. He watches us all day, seeing if we're good or bad. Then he flies back to the North Pole every night to report back to Santa, and then he comes back before we awake in a completely different place.

If I were someone more worldly, I'd say something is suspicious. After all, relying on magic to explain stuff like this seems like a cop out.

But some things are indeed unexplainable, like magic and monsters who live under the bed and odorless farts and magnets.

So since I'm fresh out of the womb, I've got no questions. I'm all in. I totally believe. And so does Wyatt. He's got more life experiences than I do, so he's a bit streetwise, and he's all about this. We're completely hooked and determined to be good boys. After all, we don't want Santa to give us the shaft this year. And I have a feeling that our little Elf friend here is a bit of a snitch.

You ain't a snitch, Elf, are you?

Wait. Where are you? You were here yesterday.

Dammit. This is difficult.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

If You Want To Deliver, Overdo It Beforehand

What I learned today was that it's better to overdo than underdeliver. We took our family holiday photos, and our photographer Kelly must have shot about 800 pictures. But it wasn't the point to get them all right. We just need two or three. And with a rambunctious three-year-old added to a stud like myself who still can't hold my head straight, well, to get us both looking at camera with a semi-enthused look on our faces is about a 3/800 chance.

So...we might have something here.

If we do, you'll find out in the mail.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I Like Shiny Objects

What I learned today was that I like bright lights and I don't know why. We put up our Christmas decorations, and there's lights all over the place - on trees, on railings, around chimneys. Basically wherever I look, there's something shiny staring right back at me. They're pretty and such, but they don't blink and they don't change colors. They just are. They light.

And yet, I'm mesmerized. Utterly completely fascinated and paralyzed by them. It's amazing.

They make me feel like a deer.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Exercise Defies Time

What I learned today was that age doesn't matter when you keep yourself in shape. It's Gram's birthday and she's like 213 times older than me and yet she still kicks ass. We went on a morning hike with the entire family and she took it slow to keep the rest of us engaged and still she motored. It was impressive.

Happy birthday, Gram. Never slow down. I'll catch up to you one day. Honest. Promise.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

You Don't Need A Holiday To Be Thankful

What I learned today was that you don't need Thanksgiving to be thankful. I had cousins come in from all over California to celebrate this really cool holiday. I got to play with all of them, each one hugging me, kissing me, engaging with me.

And that got me thinking.

I'm gracious every day for the situation I landed in. I've got two sides of one big loving family, a funny big brother, a hot mama for a Hot Mama and a Daddy who thinks he's funnier than what he is, which makes him even funnier. I've got cool onesies, warm pajamas and pumped up kicks I can't wait to rock. I've got an entire lifetime to fill and plenty of friends and family to color it with.

And I've got ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes and one tongue. I think I have a bellybutton, but that's mostly rumor at this point.

So I've got so much to be thankful for. And that's just three months worth.

Next year? I'm gonna need to take it offline and into a novel.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Some Things Work In Theory

What I learned today was that some things are good in theory. Hot Mama and Daddy are attempting something new: trying to get me to sleep through the night.


From what I gathered through eavesdropping, they planned on letting me "cry it out". Five minutes tonight, ten tomorrow.

Well let me tell you something. You have no idea the crying cards I'm about to play that will make you feel guilty and miserable from your ivory tower.

Here's a sneak peak:




And, of course...


So good luck with that. See you in five minutes, suckahs.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Am Not Immune

What I learned today was that I am not immune. When others around me get sick, the odds say that I'll get sick too, no matter what they do to avoid the situation.

So Hot Mama, believe me. I didn't go on a bender. I didn't overeat. I didn't become bulimic. The vomit that flew out of my mouth and onto your shoulder was just a reaction of me not feeling well. That's all. Nothing more or less.

Also, wipe your ear.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Practice Eventually Makes Perfect

What I learned today was that practice makes perfect eventually. For weeks now, I've been rolling over from my back onto my side. I've done this by lifting my legs and letting momentum take its course. But today, while laying on my activity mat, I didn't let momentum stop. I kept it going and rolled all the way over onto my tummy.

It was epic.

It was rousing.

And when my chin hit the carpet, it tasted like lint.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Disappointments Are A Part Of Life

What I learned today was that if you bite harder on Hot Mama's nipples, her breast milk doesn't become chocolate.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I Got Mad Hops

What I learned today was that I got mad hops. Gram and Grampa put up this jumpy contraption that's bracketed underneath their door frame. It's got bungee cords, and it's designed to support me while I jump to the skies and back down again and back to the skies.

I felt like I could fly.

It's not like I want to be the next Michael Jordan. That's asking too much.

I just want to be the next Blake Griffin.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Independence Builds Slowly

What I learned today is that independence builds slowly. While Daddy was holding the bottle to my lips, I attempted to use my own hands to hold the it myself. While I wasn't successful, unless you call giving myself a pearl necklace from spilled formula a rousing victory, it was still progress.

One day I'll get a grip. And then, look out world. You won't be able to hold me back from holding anything worth holding.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Hoops Might Be My Heaven

What I learned today was that I might not have a choice. I'm probably gonna be a basketball fan. Seems that Daddy is hoops crazed, and Hot Mama digs it too. And Wyatt's getting into it himself.

Tonight, we watched St. John's play ball on the TV. They were the team of Daddy's youth. And yet he still watches them, living and dying with every missed shot.

It's fun to watch. I watched the ball move from one side to the other. I liked the teamwork. And I liked the mascots and the cheerleaders.

With my normal height, I can see myself as a point guard, darting in the lane, dishing to the open man, being a pest on defense, hitting the open J, running the team.

Or I could just watch it from the sidelines and avoid the kneetastrophes that befell my Daddy.

Either way, I think I'm falling in love.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I'm Normal

What I learned today was that I'm neither small nor big, light or heavy. I'm just right smack in the middle in both height and weight, according to my doctor. Of course, she couldn't measure my soul or my spirit. Had she, I might have been off the charts.

Wyatt, by the way, is a monster. He's measuring like a four-year-old in both weight and height.

So it's not just me who thinks that, you know, he's bigger than life.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cleanliness Is Next To Wyattness

What I learned today was that cleanliness is best achieved with someone special. Hot Mama thought it would be a great idea to put me in the same bathtub as Wyatt. So while he sat in the tub, like he always does, she put me in an inflatable tub right next to him, basically sharing the same bathwater. It sounds weird and creepy, yet it was everything but.

He held me as we got soaped down, and that was hilarious.

And he held me as we got rinsed off, and that was comforting.

And he held me when I peed in the water, and that was relieving.


Monday, November 14, 2011

I'm Not A Little Child Anymore

What I learned today is that we have another room in the house, and in that room is a big bed that's double my size, and that it has bars on each side, and it's got teddy bears and a machine that makes the sound of an ocean rushing in.

I also learned that it's not for show. It's for me. And it's where I'll be sleeping at night for now.

This means I'm not a little child any more.

I'm a little boy.

And I have my very own stake in the ground.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Football Is More Than Just A Game

What I learned today was that football can divide and bond a family. Daddy's Giants team played Hot Mama's 49ers squad, and we all watched the game together. Wyatt wore his #10 Eli Manning jersey, while I wore a red onesie to pledge allegiance with the person who feeds me from her boob. The game was tight. The cheering was loud. And at the end, Hot Mama and I were happy.

But even though for those three hours we were on different sides, we were always together.

I loved that.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Zoo Is A Special Place

What I learned today was that baboons have big red bums and that monkeys shriek loudly and that alligators wade when they swim and that snakes are shiny and that giraffes are way tall and that the trunks of an elephant can snap a log and that even though it looks like a flamingo's leg bends backwards, it's actually their ankle where their knee should be and that pigs are dirty.

I also learned that camel poop smells worse than Luke poop.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Sacrifices Are Meaningful

What I learned today was that sacrifices are meaningful. It's Veterans Day, and Daddy and Hot Mama had me and Wyatt call Grandpa so we can all tell him thank you for serving our country. Being that I can't speak, Wyatt did all the talking. But I winked at him, and that took a lot of effort, so I hope he appreciated my sentiment.

Of course, I'm just a kid, and I don't know anything about wars. But I do know about courage. And Grandpa, you got plenty of that.

Thanks, big man.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Technology Is Amazing

What I learned today was that technology is amazing. Daddy got his new iPhone 4S in the mail today and he immediately hooked it up. He then called up Grandpa who lives in New York, and they used something called FaceTime to talk to each other - in video - in the palm of their hands.

So all Daddy had to do was tilt his hand towards me, and I could see Grandpa and he could see me. And he made some funny noises. And I giggled. And that went on for a while, at least until Daddy's hand developed carpal tunnel syndrome.

Worth it.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Not Every Tantrum Is Remembered

What I learned today was that there's a way out if you want to throw a tantrum. Wyatt and I went to the Discovery Museum today, and when it was time to go, he didn't want to. So he threw a tantrum, and I took notes for future reference.

Here's what The Master did:

1. Threw himself to the ground, arms extended, knees tucked into his tummy.

2. Screamed bloody murder loud enough to get other people to turn and watch.

3. Kick and wiggle when he's being carried out.

4. Continue the tirade even in the car, just to make your point.

5. Pass out from sheer exhaustion in the ride home, with hopes that all will be forgotten when he wakes.

And it was.

So it was a memorable tantrum that wasn't remembered.

Damn he's good.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Dig Daddy

What I learned today was that I dig this Daddy character. Gram and Grampa went to San Diego, so Daddy took off a day from work so he could spend it with me. We never get one-on-one time together, so it kinda rocked. We stared each other down, laughed, pooped and cleaned poop and shared meals. Turns out he's an alright dude. And that's fortunate, considering that I'm stuck with him.

Hi Daddy. If you're reading this, know that I gave today ★.

Monday, November 7, 2011

It Doesn't Take Much To Keep Me Engaged

What I learned today was that it doesn't take much to keep me interested. I've been playing around on an Activity Mat, which is exactly what it sounds like: a mat that I lay on that has these two intersecting poles above me with these weird things hanging off from them, like a felt elephant and rings. And I just lay there and paw at them.

That's what I do.

That's how I do.

That's who I am now.

A pawer.

Don't judge me and my predilections.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Culture Is Important

What I learned today was that I think I'm gonna soak up all this culture stuff. Daddy took Wyatt and I to the Museum of Modern Art today, and we saw all sorts of paintings and photos and performances and such. I'm sure most of these were amazing, but the abstract isn't something a shiny new mind like mine can handle.

But I do know that I want to see more. And more. And more. I really think I'm gonna love getting into this stuff, just like how my Daddy is. He loves this. I will too.

Except for Jackson Pollack. Even I know that's just gravity.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I Want To Be A Fireman

What I learned today was that I really want to be a fireman. I visited a fire house and they had lots of cool stuff, like a ladder and a hose and a red engine and a weight room and a yellow jacket and helmets and recliner chairs and good food.

All those are really nice and exciting.

But the reason I want to be a fireman is because Wyatt wants to be a fireman.

And that would rock.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I'm Not Always In Control Of Myself

What I learned today was that I can't always control myself. Sometimes, life just puts you in a circumstance where you just are powerless. Like when you blow on my bellybutton, and make a sound like "bllllllllllllllllllllll"? I laugh my bum off. So hard. I'm almost in tears.

Now the cat's out of the bag. Dammit! (Not really)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Every Good Deed Should Go Rewarded

What I learned today was that I can do great things when needed. Both Hot Mama and Daddy felt sick. They desperately needed the rest. So unlike most brats my age, I decided to do them a solid and sleep through the night.

That's from 7PM to 6AM.



Without a sound.

You can owe me.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Dentists Pose A Challenge

What I learned today was that dentists aren't scary. Wyatt went to see McKell, our family dentist, and it went smoothly. All he had to do was open his mouth. That ain't so hard.

But for me, I think I want to challenge McKell. I want to eat so much candy that he's gonna need to block out the rest of his schedule just to begin. I want to eat so much candy that they'll be inspired to write about me in dental journals. I want to eat so much candy that after McKell fizes me, he'll chide me to not eat any more candy, and then I'll double it, and when I return to see him again, he'll be amazed at how much candy one little boy can take in.

That's how much candy I want to eat.

I just need some teeth first.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Falling Asleep Is Easy

What I learned today was that I can be very picky when it comes to going nighty night.

For example, this is my current preferred method:

1. Pick me up at a side angle, head held at 9PM, so my face is slightly above your right nipple.

2. Bounce up and down through a slow bend of your knees, keeping your back stiff and straight.

3. Create a constant "whoosh" sound without reaching an octave above a whistle.

4. Pat my bum gently with your right hand, keeping a pace of 35 pats a minute.

5. Wait until my breathing is deep. Slow pace of pats of bum to 22/minute.

6. When placing me on the bed, lower me equally from a horizontal position, slightly tilting me downwards so I land softly on my left shoulder.

7. Slowly take your hands off me, waiting for a complete relaxation marked by a resumed slow breathing method of 27 exhales a minute.

8. Walk backwards on the balls of your feet, avoiding any sounds.

9. Close door slowly, leaving it 10 inches ajar. Also, avoid incoming light to shine on my face. Light may shine on my torso and below.

Failure to comply with any of these steps would result in a do-over.

So, not so difficult.