What I learned today was that I'm not to blame. When I'm up at night, I'm not happy about it. I want to sleep. That's what I do best. And when I can't sleep, I get cranky and angry. You would too if you couldn't do what you do so well.
So when I hear Hot Mama and Daddy get frustrated that they're losing sleep too, well, excuse me. I'm not happy about this either.
What I learned today was that I have a big family. I went to a cousin's party where I had the chance to pleasantly introduce myself to a large group of people that I am related to in some form or another. They all seemed very nice and, most importantly, they made funny faces at me. I think that's kinda cool, to be honest. I mean, they barely know me but they already love me.
What I learned today was that Grandpa is old. I mean, I'm just like a couple of weeks old, but Grandpa? He's like years old. And not just a couple of years. Like sixty five or something insane like that. I've got a lot to learn from this old coot. Like how to blow out that many candles. Good thing Wyatt was around to help.
Happy birthday, Grandpa. Thank you for being my Grandpa. Go Grandpa!
What I learned today was that I'm not looking forward to the work force. Sure, I've got a good 22 years until I really need to worry about that, but I see how it keeps Daddy away from me, and I don't like that one bit. I wish he were here so I can fart on his arm or drool on his shoulder. That's how I tell him that I appreciate his sacrifices. It's not much, but it's what I got.
What I learned today was that everything I do is cute. Like when I cross my eyes. Hot Mama and Daddy think it's really cute when I do that. But in all seriousness, that's my way of telling them that they're out of their minds. In fact, even though I'm new to this world, I think that's the industry standard.
What I learned today was that my palette may be more refined than you think. Considering that I only know the taste of milk from the left boob and right boob and formula, you'd think that I wouldn't be able to form much of an opinion when I pee right into my own mouth. But I did. And I didn't like it.
What I learned today was that when people look at me, they make baby noises, as if I can understand them. Newsflash! I cannot. It makes no sense to me. Talk like a normal person please. That's the only way I'll learn.
"Googoobajooo" is for monkeys, and monkeys throw poop.
What I learned today was that nothing is as comforting during my naps as my family. Namely, my Hot Mama is truly the best pillow ever, and Wyatt is a tremendous blanket. Together, they make me feel so secure.
What I learned today was that my cuteness is a charm unto itself. All I need to do look a certain way, turn my head at just the right angle, fake a cry, coo just a bit or just do nothing at all and I can melt anyone. Seriously, anyone. Get the biggest ice queen and here and see how long she can last.
Either that, or my family is just gullible like that.
What I learned today was that I can really get my point across by changing the tone of my voice.
Here's a primer:
When I coo, it's just something for me to get attention.
When I weep, it's a little more. I want your attention, but it ain't urgent.
When I really cry, hey, I need your help yo.
And when I cry to the point where it sounds like it comes from my gut, like a million rueful demons were auditioning for "Madame Butterfly", well, that's just me busting balls. But I could still use your help.
What I learned today was that sometimes a little less of you can make you even bigger. For example, sometime around noon, my umbilical cord came out of my bellybutton. It just popped out like the cork from a champagne bottle. But I don't really miss it. I don't know what purpose it served other than to frustrate Hot Mama and Daddy as they tried to put a diaper on me.
But when that little decrepit piece of me fell off, everyone celebrated. I didn't really get it. But it was like I was elevated from a defenseless little infant with a piece of dried spinach attached to me to a big boy who can take care of minor annoyances from his bellybutton. And I guess that's the real deal.
What I learned today was that sometimes life isn't fair. I've gotten used to this doofus chap named Daddy. I like having him around. He's good peeps. He makes me laugh and he cleans my poop, even when the color of my poop stains my skin somewhat and he's not really happy to swipe it up but he does it anyway while making googly noises at me.
But today he went back to work, leaving me alone with Hot Mama and Wyatt, which is fun and all, and Gram and Grandpa are still here too. Still, I miss my Daddy.
What I learned today was that poop can take many different shapes, weight and colors. Like yellow. Mustard yellow. Maybe a little dijon in there. Possibly like acrylic oil seeping out of a tube. Except all over and in the cracks of my fatty legs. And Hot Mama's fingernails.
What I learned today was that people need sleep. Hot Mama and Daddy need sleep. Heck, I need sleep, and I don't really do anything. Still, my sleep patterns are much shorter than normal people, mostly because I still don't even weigh in double digits. Hot Mama and Daddy need much more. So tonight I decided to do them a solid with four and a half hours between feedings. They weren't really as much refreshed as they were grateful.
What I learned today was that I have an amazing room all to myself, but I don't live there. I'm being forced to take up residence in Hot Mama and Daddy's room until they deem me to be big enough to bivouac in my own environs. Personally, I think it's bullcrap. This house I live in is amazing, each room is exciting, and yet I'm expected to bide my time with two adults who have trouble wiping my ass at night. Seriously?
What I learned today was that Hot Mama and Daddy drive a Prius, which makes them either environmentally smart or dirty hippies. And considering they didn't have any Phish CDs in the player from the ride home to the hospital, I'm leaning on the former.
What I learned today was that my wee wee is very important, so mounumental that they had to cut a piece of it off so future scientists for generations to come can study it and marvel at its perfection. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
Ow. It stings when I pee.
At least it doesn't also stream out the side. That would be embarrassing.
What I learned today was that no distance is too far for first introductions. This was very clear to me when I found out that I doubled up on Grandpas. Check this out: Another one flew in all the way from New York, which sounds like a really cool place, except that it makes Grandpa smell like an airplane. He got very emotional when he saw me, which was flattering.
What is with these crying males in my family? Doesn't bode well for me. Grow a sack, gentlemen.
What I learned today was that I'm not the first. Seems like there was another who came before me, and he still is. I learned that his name is Wyatt, and he is about 33 months older than me. And I've also come to realize that he loves me very much and he can't stop kissing me and talking loudly into my tiny sensitive ears. Everyone's chiding him to keep quiet, to stop making baby talk to me, but what they don't realize is that we already have a bond, you see, and we get each other clearly. We have an understanding. And he'll show me the way.
What I learned today was that the world has many different wonderful colors. When I opened my eyes for the first time, everything was blurry. Then, once my womb fluid was wiped away, I saw lights and sheets and my umbilical cord and, after a couple of seconds, I got a solid glimpse at my daddy. He's funny looking. He has wild hair and was he was crying. So, a weirdo. Then I got a peek at my mommy. She's great looking, even when on drugs. I shall call her Hot Mama. Then I got a peek at my Gram, who was wearing a surgical mask so I couldn't really make a snap judgement about her. Essentially she comes with a Grampa, who was making silly faces at me when they put me on the scale.
And they all cried at some point.
So I know four people. That's four more than I knew a couple of minutes ago.
I keep growing my friend list at this rate, I'll break Facebook.