Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I Think I'm Gonna Love Baseball

What I learned today was that I can get into this baseball thing. Hot Mama took me to my first baseball game today with Wyatt. Unfortunately, Daddy couldn't make it. Still, we had a good time. It was fun, but slow, but Hot Mama assured me that Daddy will explain this all to me. Wyatt was into it, so he's my case study. If he likes it, I probably will too.

But the question is: Will I bleed orange and black or blue and orange?

Will it be Lou Seal or Mr. Met?

Panda or David Wright?

Or maybe I'll just be a Yankee fan.

(Holy crap, I was kidding about that. Calm down.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Can Depend On My Brother

What I learned today was that, when I really need something, I can depend on my brother to get it for me. This morning, I really wanted to take a nap. But it's hard for me to fall asleep on my own. I need a pacifier to suck on. Hot Mama knows this, but sometimes, they're hard to find. So I'm crying and she's scrambling to find one, but here comes Wyatt, with a paci in his hand. We didn't tell him I needed one. He just knew.

I got your back too, brother.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Dreams Are Worth Following

What I learned today was that I like to sleep. After all, I do that 65% of my day. And tonight, I threw my parents a bone by sleeping through the night. It was that great of a dream. I was watching Wyatt play while drinking from Hot Mama's boobie while Daddy sang "9 to 5" to me off-key. Scarlett Johannson was dancing the background. As was Jessica Alba. All while Erin Andrews reported from the sideline.

For once, when I cried while waking up, they were real tears.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

My Family Is Big Yet The Same

What I learned today are that there are many different parts of a family. I went to a family reunion a couple of weeks ago. Today, there was another one, this time with completely different people. But they all had the same reaction to me; staring at me, saying goobledegook, smiling and wanting to hold me. I didn't mind at all. It just seems to run in the family, no matter what side you're on.

I'm just happy to be a part of the team.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Birthday Parties Are Amazing

What I learned today was that birthday parties are amazing. I snuck into Wyatt's friend Tanner's birthday party in the city today, and it was a blast. Kids played in the sand and on rides. They hit a pinata. They ate pizza and cake. And they held balloons.

I want to do this. I want to have friends that have parties like this. I want to enjoy myself until my smile hurts from exhaustion.

All I need now are some friends of my own.

Wow. That sounded awful. I just haven't put myself out there yet. That's all. Don't fret for me. I've got game. Trust me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Mushier Is Better

What I learned today was that I have different types of poop, and they are not equal. It feels better mushier when coming out, but harder is easier to clean up. Which means a harder poop is more difficult to push out but a mushier poop that gets everywhere is impossible to clean.

Which is better?

Sorry Hot Mama. Sorry Daddy. Sorry about the mess.

(Not really)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Alone Time With Hot Mama Is Priceless

What I learned today was that I really like days off. Wyatt goes to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and don't get me wrong, I miss him when he's not here. But that time is spent alone with Hot Mama, and she's so great to me. It's just the two of us. And the way she looks at me melts me. Trust me, Hot Mama, I'm looking right back at you with the same affection.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Good Music Is Universal

What I learned today was that even though I'm supposed to listen to nursery rhymes and kiddy music, I really like what Wyatt rocks out to. When we're in the car, Wyatt demands that we listen to The Beatles and Cee-Lo and Stevie Wonder and Chuck Berry and all these bands that not even an almost three-year-old should. But he does. And I love that he loves it because, secretly, when nobody's watching, I rock out to them too. It's not the bumpy road beneath us that's bopping my head. It's the beat you just can't beat.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sweat Is Great By Association

What I learned today was that working out is fun when you're not doing the working out. I was Baby Bjorned onto Hot Mama as she did a four-mile hike with Gram. Let me tell you that she worked hard. Up and down the mountain she went, one foot after the other, hard breathing leading into panting leading into a solid sweat. She worked herself down to the nub, especially with a ten pound weight strapped to her. I got tired just being near her.

And I'm sure my chronic gas didn't help her out.

Or did it?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Unintentional Comedy Is The Funniest

What I learned today was that unintentional comedy is the funniest. When Daddy struggles buttoning my pajamas at night after changing my diaper, I have to laugh. I mean, I know these buttons don't make any sense, and I know it's in the middle of the night, but seeing the frustrated look on his face is just priceless. He thinks he gets it right, but then, he missed one and he has to do it over again. Hilarious! And again! This is great stuff.

But he does this because he loves me, and I love him back. And he makes me laugh.

And he doesn't buy jammies with zippers.

What's with that?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Better Join A Band

What I learned today was that ladies love a music man. I went to see Wonderbread 5 in my first concert today and saw how all the cougars in the crowd were responding to the band. And although I'm decades away from being in that scene, I realized that being able to shred a guitar, play the bass, bang the drums or sing my heart out and do it on stage for everyone to see will only help me become a master playa.

Groupies, come hither.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

If I'm Nice, I Might Get A Pool Party

What I learned today was that if you're goot to other people, someone will throw a pool party in your honor. Take, for instance, my Great Uncle Mike. He helped out Hot Mama and Daddy a lot, so they threw him a pool party. There were floats and rafts and toys and splashing and drinking and eating. It was a lot of fun. And I got to watch the whole thing and thought to myself, "If I get to be as nice of a person as Uncle Mike, will I get a pool party in my honor too?"

Hell, I'd take a water balloon fight.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Headbutts Hurt But Timeouts Hurt More

What I learned today was that headbutts hurt. Wyatt loves me so much that he gets overexcited and gets all up in my grill, and I'm like, "Yo man, gimme some air here, brother" and then he starts bobbing his head and I'm like, "Yo man, chillax and calm down and watch where you're pointing that thing" but then his head hit my head and I'm like "Waaaaaahhhhh!" and he's like "Sorry!" and I'm like, "Damn! I know it was an accident and all, but daaamn!" and Daddy's like "How many times do I have to tell you to stop! You got a timeout, Wyatt!" and he's like "Waaaaaah!" and I'm like "Serves you right!" but then I feel bad because I love him too and I don't want to see him sitting in the corner. And I miss the attention.

Come back, Wyatt. I don't mind.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Listen Or We'll Leave

What I learned today was that when Hot Mama talks, we have to listen. Wyatt didn't, and because of that, we left Evan and Ben's house very early and drove right home. It was a real bummer, but Wyatt can only blame himself.

I can't say that I'll be the best listener ever, but Hot Mama, you came through loud and clear today. Ten-four.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Water Parks Are Fun

What I learned today was that one day, when I get old enough, I'm gonna play so hard at a water park that I'm gonna pass out as son as we hit the car. It looks like that much fun. I see those water slides and I can't even imagine how many times Wyatt and I will tumble down them. And considering that my cousins Evan and Ben live near this park, well, add them into the mix and I might fall asleep from being tired from just the thought of what we're gonna do.

I just wet myself in excitement.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Auntie Jenn Will Spoil Me

What I learned today was that I have an Auntie Jenn, who is also from San Diego, and she plans to spoil me rotten. But it won't be rotten. It will be great. I will appreciate everything she gets for me. I am open for endorsements and bribery. So bring it on, Auntie. I accept your offers.

Just no clothes. They aren't any fun.

Monday, August 15, 2011

I Like Tourist Traps

What I learned today was that I like tourist traps. I went to Fisherman's Wharf with all my cousins and Gram and Grampa and Wyatt and Uncle Shannon and Auntie Nessa and Hot Mama and I gotta say, I dug it. I loved the sea lions. I loved the Wharf. I loved the ferry ride in. And I love that I can visit this place whenever I want.

The only thing I didn't love? Tourists, especially the slow moving ones, which is basically all of them. Move along now, people. Nothing to see here. Just a woman feeding her kid underneath her Hooter Hider.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

It's Good To Be A Guy

What I learned today was that it's good to be a guy. Daddy, Wyatt and I spent the entire day together doing man things, like going to the park, watch sports, fart and...well, fart some more. Because that's what men do, dammit. We multitask. We fart and something else at once.

Things would have really gotten interesting if we had a lighter nearby.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I Will Be A Friend To Marine Mammals

What I learned today was that marine mammals face difficult safety issues when navigating through our bay. And that we can do much to help them leave unscathed from our shores. So I promise, Marine Mammal Center, that I will not litter in the ocean. But I might pee in the ocean. Everyone does. Gram does. Grampa does. Wyatt does. Hot Mama does. Daddy does. Katie does. Buddha does. Everyone here in my tour group does.

Even you.

Admit it.

That's what I thought.


Friday, August 12, 2011

Birthdays Are Underrated

What I learned today was that I get to celebrate my birthday every month for the first year of my life. Then after that, I celebrate it every year. And then, I won't make much of big deal about it because I'll be getting older, so my birthdays will be low key, but internally, hells yeah it's my birthday.

But for now, I'm gonna milk this birthday thing with all I got.

Where's my pointy hat at?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

There's No Such Thing As Too Many Cousins

What I learned today was that Katie and Buddha are more than just my first cousins. They are my big cousins. They know a lot more than I do. I'm gonna look up to them and follow their lead. They seem to know what the deal is. And I think they're heading in the right direction. Plus they're so fun and cute and smart and loving.

More please.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

One Day, I Will Seize A Boat

What I learned today was that you have to be a certain size to be in a motorboard. And I'm not that size yet. But one day, I will be. And when I am, I will yell, "All aboard!" and "Swab the deck!" and all the other things that Wyatt says that pirates say, because I want to be a pirate just like how my big brother wants to be a pirate, because he is my matey.


Shiver me timbers.

(I have no idea what that means. And face it, neither do you.)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

More Uncles and Cousins Mean More Fun

What I learned today was that I have more than one uncle, and this one is much larger than the other one I met. His name is Uncle Aaron, and his hands are so big that I almost disappeared when he held me. He was so happy to see me and hold me. And check this out: he brought along his two daughters with him, and they're my first cousins. Their names are Katie and Buddha, and they're much older than me, but that's cool, because they love me so much and I think I'm gonna look up to them.

They live in a place called San Diego. Sounds perfect. I can't wait to visit them there. I bet the food is delicious. Not as delicious as right boobie, but delish nonetheless.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I Like When We're All Together

What I learned today was that I like it when we're the Fab Four. When Hot Mama, Daddy, Wyatt and I are together, like we've been for the past week, I feel like we're unstoppable. When one of us is gone, I feel like the chain's been weakened. And today, Daddy had to go back to work.

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo work.


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Chillaxing is Awesome

What I learned today was that it's okay to relax and do nothing. Lounging around actually feels really great. Doing nothing is nice. Being lazy can be wonderful.

Just don't make it a habit, and I'll be alright.

Now it's time for a nap.

But first, I need to...zzzzz.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Angle Adjusting Is Crucial

What I learned today was that I need to adjust my angle when I'm naked. Because if I don't, and my wee wee is facing north, and my mouth is open, then my pee pee will find its way. It always does.

This is not a new happening. I've done this before. I have to adjust. That's the only answer. Maybe keeping it at a 45 degree angle will produce better and tastier results.

Practice makes perfect.

This is a weird post.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Beach Bumming Is In My Future

What I learned today was that I think I love the beach. We went up to Guerneville on the Russian River to a beach that Grampa and Gram used to go to when they were kids. Which I find hard to believe that a beach would be older than they are, but whatevs. I watched Wyatt and his friend Tanner play in the sand and in the water and it looked like fun. Of course, I'm too small to do any of that, but one day soon, I'll be all over that, and Hot Mama and Daddy will be wiping sand out of my ass crack and wonder how the hell it got there.

Soggy swimming diaper will be the answer.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Can't Get Enough Of Booby Milk

What I learned today was that I'm a little piggie. Hot Mama took me to the doctor today and I weighed in at 9 pounds of solid muscle and sex appeal.

And breast milk.

But mostly sex appeal.

Steamy hot sex appeal.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

First Cousins Mean More

What I learned today was that there are cousins, and then, there are cousins. I met Petra and Bryce today. Petra is much older than me, and she and Wyatt are like a tag team of awesomeness. Bryce is just a couple of months older than me, and almost immediately, I realized that he's gonna be my wingman for the rest of my life. And you know what buddy? I got your back too. That's how this is gonna work.

And oh yeah, Uncle Shannon and Auntie Nessa. Hi. Glad to make your acquaintance. I'm just gonna call you Bryce's Daddy and Mommy for now. Sound good? Great.

Bryce, where you at?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

San Francisco Is Right Here

What I learned today was that I also live near the most amazing city. Yesterday we went to Napa. But today, we went south and visited this wonderful place called San Francisco. It has beautiful big buildings and rolling hills and cable car tracks and hippies and many other things I can't wait to explore when I sneak out of the house and go there with my friends.

I mean, when I'm old enough. Like in four years.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Napa Isn't Too Far Away

What I learned today was that I live in an amazing part of the world. I'm digging San Rafael and the Bay Area, but today, Hot Mama, Daddy, Wyatt and I took off and drove like thirty miles to Napa, where they grow wine. But first, we went to a place called Train Town that I didn't appreciate now but trust me, I will, oh I will. And then we walked around this quaint town called St. Helena and had dinner there. Everything was so beautiful.

And I can't believe I live right near it.

We barely had time to go wine tasting, although Hot Mama did have a Pinot which I'm sure I'll enjoy in a couple of hours.

(Update: I did. It was earthy with a hint of plums and yet sweet in the aftertaste. That's the breast milk I'm talking about, by the way).