Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Falling Asleep Is Easy

What I learned today was that I can be very picky when it comes to going nighty night.

For example, this is my current preferred method:

1. Pick me up at a side angle, head held at 9PM, so my face is slightly above your right nipple.

2. Bounce up and down through a slow bend of your knees, keeping your back stiff and straight.

3. Create a constant "whoosh" sound without reaching an octave above a whistle.

4. Pat my bum gently with your right hand, keeping a pace of 35 pats a minute.

5. Wait until my breathing is deep. Slow pace of pats of bum to 22/minute.

6. When placing me on the bed, lower me equally from a horizontal position, slightly tilting me downwards so I land softly on my left shoulder.

7. Slowly take your hands off me, waiting for a complete relaxation marked by a resumed slow breathing method of 27 exhales a minute.

8. Walk backwards on the balls of your feet, avoiding any sounds.

9. Close door slowly, leaving it 10 inches ajar. Also, avoid incoming light to shine on my face. Light may shine on my torso and below.

Failure to comply with any of these steps would result in a do-over.

So, not so difficult.

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